Losing a child...

My 11 year old nephew Tanner passed away on Saturday May 18th. He'd been sick since September of last year. The time flew by, it was too quick for anyone. My heart feels so much pain, for myself, but much more significantly for my brother, my niece, my sister in law and my parents. I've felt sadness before in my life, many many times. Lost friendships, broken promises, relationships ending, career disappointments...sadness comes in all shapes and sizes. But, nothing, nothing I have experienced is worse than this type of pain...losing a child. Tanner had only lived for 11 short years. My divorce in 2009 was pretty darn horrible, sad for the lifetime commitment to break down. I thought I'd be married forever, but we weren't the right match. I was sad then, really sad, it hurt like hell. But, it was a different type of pain, we chose it. This pain, nobody chooses. There are lessons and blessings in everything...in grief we all grow and learn through the healing process. Yes, all true, but so clearly a jumble of cliches. These logical and rational thought patterns all nicely expressed, but to live them, really? It's a bunch of crap, just an all around messed up part of life. During these past 11 days I have experienced a full range of emotions, thoughts and feelings. Today seems to be the clearest day of them all. Clear that my friggin' heart hurts...BAD! Nothing can fix it...time will heal it...don't force it...learn from it. What if I don't want to???

Cycling...

I've spent fun times at the finish line in Downtown San Luis Obispo, watching and covering the Tour of California. I interviewed the top riders and enjoyed the experience of professional cycling. I had never been so close to the action, and it was a thrill, each time! Before the Tour my only history with cycling was following Lance Armstrong for years. I read both of his books. I cheered for him through his battle with cancer. I used his story and life as inspiration for my own physical challenges, my first marathon in 1997 and a 10-mile uphill trail challenge, that same year. I looked up to him. Whether you agree with it or not, he was a hero to me. He has helped the world in many ways with his commitment to fighting cancer and researching the best medicines, cures, etc. Ok, that's the good part, now the sad news. It has changed for me. I don't follow cycling like I used to; the drugs in the sport and Armstrong turned me off. You can argue, everybody cheats, all sports deal with performance enhancers...yada, yada, yada. That doesn't matter to me. I get to be the type of fan I want to be, for any or all sports. It's affecting me this week because the Tour is in town this afternoon. I want to go, I don't want to go. I would like to find a new rider to cheer, an honest & clean team that does it right. But, I don't know when and if we'll get that in this sport. The amount of mileage and stress on the body to ride the way these people do, is incredible. I guess, I sort of understand why a lot of them feel they need medical/chemical assistance to do it and do it well. No matter, my heart isn't beating for the sport as it has in the past. And everybody appreciates a good heartbeat, right?