Losing a child...

My 11 year old nephew Tanner passed away on Saturday May 18th. He'd been sick since September of last year. The time flew by, it was too quick for anyone. My heart feels so much pain, for myself, but much more significantly for my brother, my niece, my sister in law and my parents. I've felt sadness before in my life, many many times. Lost friendships, broken promises, relationships ending, career disappointments...sadness comes in all shapes and sizes. But, nothing, nothing I have experienced is worse than this type of pain...losing a child. Tanner had only lived for 11 short years. My divorce in 2009 was pretty darn horrible, sad for the lifetime commitment to break down. I thought I'd be married forever, but we weren't the right match. I was sad then, really sad, it hurt like hell. But, it was a different type of pain, we chose it. This pain, nobody chooses. There are lessons and blessings in everything...in grief we all grow and learn through the healing process. Yes, all true, but so clearly a jumble of cliches. These logical and rational thought patterns all nicely expressed, but to live them, really? It's a bunch of crap, just an all around messed up part of life. During these past 11 days I have experienced a full range of emotions, thoughts and feelings. Today seems to be the clearest day of them all. Clear that my friggin' heart hurts...BAD! Nothing can fix it...time will heal it...don't force it...learn from it. What if I don't want to???